This Thursday, May 26th, 2011, my wonderful husband Jonathan and I celebrate five incredible years of marriage. I can't believe half a decade has passed since we first said, "I do." The butterflies at the rehearsal, the worry over the guest list, the issues with caterers...it all seems like yesterday. Many of you have been married much longer than I, several for less, and some are still searching for that perfect someone. No matter what your marital status, may I encourage you? Here are just a few things I've learned in my short life as a married woman:
1) Communication is KEY. In my family, we don't always say what we mean how we mean it or when we mean it. In fact, we are masters of the silent treatment: "If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all." Ignore the problem long enough and it will go away. Over the years, my parents have gotten progressively better and better at communication, and it's wonderful to see. But growing up without the example of clear communication definitely made it...interesting...when Jon & I would miscommunicate in our first years together. I think I've mentioned before that when Jon & I argue or disagree, it is over the most trivial, pointless, meaningless things, but oh boy, at the time, you better watch out! Fold a towel that way?!? Are you mad?!? Were you brought up in a barn?!? Every time we would argue in our first year together, I would prep myself for three days of silence. We probably wouldn't speak to each other for a few days and then we would just have to go on as if nothing ever happened and nothing was resolved. What a shock it was to me when Jon wouldn't let me leave the room or even the sofa without resolving the issue, no matter how long it took! Communication. Say how you feel. Say how you heard it. Listen to how he feels. Listen to how he heard it. It's amazing how different that can be...
2) NEVER go to bed angry. In five years, we've done it twice, and both times, that was the crappiest night's sleep I've ever had in my life. It doesn't matter that it's midnight, and you have to get up at 6 a.m.; your spouse's feelings and the sake of your marriage is more important. Take notes if you have to. That's what I do. Jon often compares me to Dori in "Finding Nemo": Serious conversation then, "Oh! Something shiny!" and I'm gone. That's how it is when we disagree because Jon's Swiss army knife brain can handle fifty thoughts at the same time, and I fight to hold on to one. If he interrupts me, I forget, and that makes me even more angry than I was before. Take notes. It's OK. Don't get sidetracked by less important issues. Focus on the main one. And work it out as long as it takes.
3) Date days are a gift from God. At least once a week, Jon & I have a date "day" (sometimes an afternoon if timing works out badly). This is not so much about the quantity of time spent together but the quality of it. We don't have to go anywhere or spend anything; it's time together: no cell phones, no interruptions. Sometimes it's going out to eat or to a movie, but oftentimes, it's making dinner together, watching something on TV we've been wanting to see, playing Scrabble in the park, playing Rock Band, going for a walk, ANYTHING. It's quality time with my husband. No responsibilities, no worries...just us.
4) A spouse can also be a best friend. Think about it. You live with this person day-in, day-out. Of course, you both need quality time with other friends, but why can't your spouse be one of those friends? Find at least one thing you have in common and EXPLOIT IT! Don't have anything in common with them? Find something. Make something. Prime example: Jon loves playing card games, and I'm not a huge fan. Never have been. But it was something that was important to him. So, I made a concession: we bought a card game together, and he taught it to me. At first, I hated it. I always lost. I didn't know what I was doing. I played any old card I could find just to make the pain end quickly. But over a few days and weeks, I gradually learned the rules, started making wise plays, and now we challenge each other all the time. I even win on occasion! Did I think I would like it? Absolutely not. But I sacrificed for the love of my life and wound up enjoying myself at the same time. Find or make something you and your spouse have in common and play to that strength: gardening, cooking, games, movies, walks, antique car shows...you may surprise yourself at what begins as a "tolerance" turns into an enjoyment.
5) Be willing to SACRIFICE. Ooh...that's a toughie. But so incredibly vital. Sacrifice does not come naturally to us humans. We are selfish beings by nature. At least one person reading this right now is thinking, "Oh, sure, I can sacrifice, but will my significant other sacrifice for me??? Nope! Not a snowball's chance in you-know-where. All I do is give, give, give, and what do they do? Take, take take. More sacrificing? Girl, you must be crazy!" Maybe I am. But remember: I'm not preaching; just sharing with you what I've learned. And I've learned that the more I sacrifice, the more I love my husband. Not in a martyr, "woe is me" way, but in a genuine, loving, godly way. I enjoy sacrificing my time or sacrificing something I was doing in order to help my husband. Some days it does seem like I've sacrificed a lot, but then other days, I feel like I don't deserve him because he's sacrificing by making dinner for me or letting me decide where to go or (wonder of wonders) giving me possession of the remote control. It's a two-way street. The more he sacrifices for me, the more I want to sacrifice for him. We both focus on each other, and where is there room for selfishness then?
So there you have it: five years, five points. Perhaps you agree, perhaps you don't. Either way is fine with me. It's really not a point of agreeing; it's my personal journey and what I've learned. I'm sure I'll learn plenty more in the next five, ten, fifteen, hopefully fifty years God grants me with my wonderful love of my life. Jon, you are my best friend, my helpmate, and the one I want to grow old with. I love you with all of my heart.
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