I had such a very long list of things I wanted to accomplish before turning thirty. Thirty to me was the death knell of all things fun & freedom-related where I had to be frumpy & serious & adult-like all the time. I wish I'd kept that list, but I remember certain items: become a published author, go scuba diving in the Caribbean, be a hard-hitting, award-winning journalist, live somewhere like New York City so I could be like Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail."
This morning, I woke up, and I was thirty. Like I do on every birthday, I waited to feel older, different. And I didn't. I never do. But I've been sitting on my back porch with a cup of coffee for the past hour and a half, and I've reached several realizations I'd like to share:
1.) Thank God being a teenager is over & done with. Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen...those were the be-all & end-all numbers. I defined myself by them. By what society told me I was supposed to be like by then. I thought I had it all figured out, and I had no idea how little I really knew. I teach teenagers now, all day every day, and I'm constantly reminded of myself.
 |
| Seriously - nerd. |
2.) Thank goodness for the end of cliques and "cool crowds." In high school, I was as low on the totem pole of coolness as you could get. College was more of the same. There are the sports people, the hipster people, the nature people, the musicians, the beautiful people...and the nerds. But I was a special kind of nerd - possessing little confidence to participate in conversations for fear of looking stupid, so I was a fringe-nerd, feeling as if I belonged nowhere. I recently realized that, as an adult, I'm friends with people who would have either completely ignored or belittled my existence in high school or college, but it's OK now because instead of focusing on the differences, we focus on our friendship. I have nerd friends, cool friends, sports friends, beautiful friends, musician friends, & nature friends now. I, who spent most of my time alone making mixed music cassette tapes & reading.
 |
| Yep - overalls, bangs...*sigh* |
3.) Praise the Lord for lifelong girlfriends. Growing up, there were times I thought I'd never have a true friend, a best buddy, someone who would still be my friend when times got tough & tempers flared & my true inner-nerd emerged. But there have been two, & I don't know how I would have made it without them. We've faced some of the best & worst that life had to offer, but I think I can safely say we can make it through anything now.
4.) When I was growing up, I would dream about my future husband. I worried, like the prince in "Ever After," that I would never find the one person in this world I was supposed to. I worried that I would miss him, that I would never meet him, that I would completely screw up this whole courtship/dating thing & scare off any possible mate. And I needn't have. I met him in the best way possible: we were friends. Just good friends, then best friends, then something more. All the years I spent worrying, & he came along just when God wanted him to.
5.) Changes are good things. I used to think changes in plans were the worst possible thing that could happen. It meant failure. It meant starting all over. Now I know that changes can bring about some of the best life experiences one can have. Changing my college major from journalism to teaching was terrifying and something I'd said I would never do. But it's been one of the best decisions I could have made. I love my job, love my students, love the experiences. Changing colleges at the last minute was terrifying, but through it, I met my future husband and my best friend. Changes aren't bad. Through them, some of God's greatest gifts can be found.
6.) I have lived almost all my life feeling inferior - beauty-wise, talent-wise, intelligence-wise. If there is one huge benefit I see to turning thirty, it's that I don't care to feel inferior anymore, I'm going to do my best not to let it happen, & if people don't like me for who I am, well, they don't have to be around me anymore. I'm tired of comparing. I'm tired of living in fear. I'm tired of not having joy. Because when I'm busy comparing, I'm too busy to notice the blessings all around me, the little things, the laughter, all these memories that make up this crazy journey called life. I want to live with my eyes wide open. I want to soak it all in, drink it all up.
So maybe I'll read this when I turn forty and think, "Man, what did I know then?" Probably. Oh, well. I'm a work in progress. And that's OK.
