For Jon On Our Five Year Anniversary

This Thursday, May 26th, 2011, my wonderful husband Jonathan and I celebrate five incredible years of marriage. I can't believe half a decade has passed since we first said, "I do." The butterflies at the rehearsal, the worry over the guest list, the issues with caterers...it all seems like yesterday. Many of you have been married much longer than I, several for less, and some are still searching for that perfect someone. No matter what your marital status, may I encourage you? Here are just a few things I've learned in my short life as a married woman: 

1) Communication is KEY. In my family, we don't always say what we mean how we mean it or when we mean it. In fact, we are masters of the silent treatment: "If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all." Ignore the problem long enough and it will go away. Over the years, my parents have gotten progressively better and better at communication, and it's wonderful to see. But growing up without the example of clear communication definitely made it...interesting...when Jon & I would miscommunicate in our first years together. I think I've mentioned before that when Jon & I argue or disagree, it is over the most trivial, pointless, meaningless things, but oh boy, at the time, you better watch out! Fold a towel that way?!? Are you mad?!? Were you brought up in a barn?!? Every time we would argue in our first year together, I would prep myself for three days of silence. We probably wouldn't speak to each other for a few days and then we would just have to go on as if nothing ever happened and nothing was resolved. What a shock it was to me when Jon wouldn't let me leave the room or even the sofa without resolving the issue, no matter how long it took! Communication. Say how you feel. Say how you heard it. Listen to how he feels. Listen to how he heard it. It's amazing how different that can be...

2) NEVER go to bed angry. In five years, we've done it twice, and both times, that was the crappiest night's sleep I've ever had in my life. It doesn't matter that it's midnight, and you have to get up at 6 a.m.; your spouse's feelings and the sake of your marriage is more important. Take notes if you have to. That's what I do. Jon often compares me to Dori in "Finding Nemo": Serious conversation then, "Oh! Something shiny!" and I'm gone. That's how it is when we disagree because Jon's Swiss army knife brain can handle fifty thoughts at the same time, and I fight to hold on to one. If he interrupts me, I forget, and that makes me even more angry than I was before. Take notes. It's OK. Don't get sidetracked by less important issues. Focus on the main one. And work it out as long as it takes. 

3) Date days are a gift from God. At least once a week, Jon & I have a date "day" (sometimes an afternoon if timing works out badly). This is not so much about the quantity of time spent together but the quality of it. We don't have to go anywhere or spend anything; it's time together: no cell phones, no interruptions. Sometimes it's going out to eat or to a movie, but oftentimes, it's making dinner together, watching something on TV we've been wanting to see, playing Scrabble in the park, playing Rock Band, going for a walk, ANYTHING. It's quality time with my husband. No responsibilities, no worries...just us. 

4) A spouse can also be a best friend. Think about it. You live with this person day-in, day-out. Of course, you both need quality time with other friends, but why can't your spouse be one of those friends? Find at least one thing you have in common and EXPLOIT IT! Don't have anything in common with them? Find something. Make something. Prime example: Jon loves playing card games, and I'm not a huge fan. Never have been. But it was something that was important to him. So, I made a concession: we bought a card game together, and he taught it to me. At first, I hated it. I always lost. I didn't know what I was doing. I played any old card I could find just to make the pain end quickly. But over a few days and weeks, I gradually learned the rules, started making wise plays, and now we challenge each other all the time. I even win on occasion! Did I think I would like it? Absolutely not. But I sacrificed for the love of my life and wound up enjoying myself at the same time. Find or make something you and your spouse have in common and play to that strength: gardening, cooking, games, movies, walks, antique car shows...you may surprise yourself at what begins as a "tolerance" turns into an enjoyment.

5) Be willing to SACRIFICE. Ooh...that's a toughie. But so incredibly vital. Sacrifice does not come naturally to us humans. We are selfish beings by nature. At least one person reading this right now is thinking, "Oh, sure, I can sacrifice, but will my significant other sacrifice for me??? Nope! Not a snowball's chance in you-know-where. All I do is give, give, give, and what do they do? Take, take take. More sacrificing? Girl, you must be crazy!" Maybe I am. But remember: I'm not preaching; just sharing with you what I've learned. And I've learned that the more I sacrifice, the more I love my husband. Not in a martyr, "woe is me" way, but in a genuine, loving, godly way. I enjoy sacrificing my time or sacrificing something I was doing in order to help my husband. Some days it does seem like I've sacrificed a lot, but then other days, I feel like I don't deserve him because he's sacrificing by making dinner for me or letting me decide where to go or (wonder of wonders) giving me possession of the remote control. It's a two-way street. The more he sacrifices for me, the more I want to sacrifice for him. We both focus on each other, and where is there room for selfishness then? 

So there you have it: five years, five points. Perhaps you agree, perhaps you don't. Either way is fine with me. It's really not a point of agreeing; it's my personal journey and what I've learned. I'm sure I'll learn plenty more in the next five, ten, fifteen, hopefully fifty years God grants me with my wonderful love of my life. Jon, you are my best friend, my helpmate, and the one I want to grow old with. I love you with all of my heart.

Today I Graduated From College Graduation

For whatever reason, I seem to grow in increments of four years. When I graduated from high school and came to Georgia for college, it wasn't until near the end of my college career that I began to feel as if the old things of high school were passing away: the insecurities, the inside jokes, the teen angst...all were gradually replaced with...new insecurities, new inside jokes, and college angst. 

So I suppose it's only natural that today, four years after I graduated from college, I should finally feel the departure of the college years and the dawning of the newest era of my life. Of course I haven't had to deal with late-night study sessions, dorm life, or cafeteria food for some time now, but there are always the memories. "I wonder what so-and-so is doing now." "The so-and-so's just had their second baby." "So-and-so passed away in a freak accident." One of the up-sides of living in the same town I graduated in is that occasionally, from year to year, certain so-and-so's come back for whatever reason, and I bump into them in the strangest of places: the Dollar Tree, Wal-Mart, or a stoplight downtown. And usually after these chance meetings, I am beset with memories of bygone years: dance parties in the dorms, Christmas banquets with prom dresses and no dancing allowed, Burger Nights at the guys' dorm, late night walks and talks, and the ever-changing influx of freshman who thought they were the first ones to sit outside and strum guitars. This is usually followed with a reminiscent look through photo albums and me getting all choked up as I think of all the adult responsibilities I have now and how much I wish I had taken advantage of the freedom I didn't realize I had during college life. 

But today, it changed. Today, I bumped into two girls I had known in college, and we all recognized each other immediately. There were hugs all around, and the usual "How have you been?" inquiries. But then, one girl looked at me and said, "Remind me of your name?" How funny. We had seen each other every day for four years, we had talked and laughed in the library for hours on end, prayed together, and eaten cereal in the cafeteria when the catfish nuggets and chicken patties were too horrible for consumption. Yet my name eluded her. When asked what I was doing today, I replied that I was poking around while Jon worked. The same girl looked at me and said, "Remind me who Jon is?" "Jonathan Boyd," I replied. "The guy I dated all through college." And in that instant, I saw the recognition. The memories came back to her. She hadn't forgotten; we were simply covered in the dust of years, packed away in the attic of her mind.

I made a joke about having learned that Jon & I were commonly referred to as "Jancy" in school because we were never seen apart from each other, and they both laughed. We talked for a few minutes and then went our separate ways. And for the first time, on my way home, the memories were not accompanied by the familiar ache, the choked-up feeling in the back of my throat, or the disappointment of things not said or unaccomplished. College was a special time and one I will always cherish, but I'm happy now to box up those memories and store them for viewing only occasionally. Now it is time to move into the next step of adulthood, whatever that may be. Who knows what I may learn or what may happen in the next four years? But I know that each triumph, each failure, each birthday, each holiday, and each seemingly trivial day will continue to make me the person I was destined to be.