Turn, Take, Go

"You have dwelt long enough at this mountain."

Deuteronomy 1:6b 

Ever felt that? That ache, that gnaw, that not-so-subtle nudge in the ribs..."You have dwelt long enough..." 

It's so easy for me to identify with the ancient Israelites, and not just because I often find myself in the constant cycle of forgetting God's goodness, complaining about nothing, ignoring His grace. They lived in an unending state of waiting. Waiting on God, waiting on themselves to take God at His word. I looked up the Hebrew word for "dwelt" today; it literally translates "sit" or "remain." 

I think we all have mountains where we sit - the mountains of insecurity, guilt, anger, fear. Anywhere we feel safe and God won't push us to do anything outside of our comfort zone. And then one day comes the word: enough. 

"Turn and take your journey, and go to the mountains of the Amorites."

Deuteronomy 1:7a 

An imperative sentence is a sentence that gives a command; the subject of an imperative sentence is always the understood (You). This particular imperative sentence has three verbs: Turn. Take. Go. All three verbs share the same subject: You. 

This is not a suggestion or an "if you feel like it." This is a very clear command on the part of God:

1) Turn: We've all heard it before, but to turn towards something, we have to turn our backs on something else. In this case, a mountain. A mountain where we've felt comfortable and safe. A turning towards the unknown. Terrifying, yes?

2) Take: Notice the object of this verb - "journey" - and now notice the adjective - "your." Everyone has a different journey to take in life. Everyone has a different mountain to leave behind. So many times, we have a terrible habit of treating everyone's journeys exactly alike. "You shouldn't struggle with that," "Why would you ever fear that?" But the adage really is true: Be kind to everyone, for everyone fights a battle which you know nothing about. We all have a journey to take.

3) Go: The hardest part. I feel as if I've spent entire seasons of my life just trying to accomplish Steps 1 & 2 - turning my back on my fears and taking the journey. But when we're finally ready? When we're finally sick and tired of living in that cycle? When we agree that, yes, we've dwelt long enough at this mountain? 

"See, I have set the land before you; go in and possess the land."

Deuteronomy 1:8

The Lord has prepared a way. Sometimes He makes it clear to us, and sometimes we have to show faith. But here's the great part: the Promised Land of our future is there, ready for the taking. We don't have to perform some endless list of useless tasks or perform a list of rituals first. In fact, the first thing we have to do is a repeat of an earlier instruction: Go. 

I think God knew going would be the hardest part for us. Taking that first step, then another, and then another. Fighting the fear to turn back. Fighting the voices in our heads telling us we're not good enough, safe enough, smart enough, worthy enough. Turn. Take. Go. Go in and possess the land. 

Not visit. Not camp out. Not hide out in. Possess. With confidence. With surety. The Lord already has it planned out - all we have to do is follow the command to go and confidently possess the gift He is giving us. 

"Look, the Lord your God has set the land before you; go up and possess it, as the Lord God of your fathers has spoken to you; do not fear or be discouraged."

Deuteronomy 1:21

God knows how many times we have to be reminded of something. He knows how hard of hearing, how fearful we tend to be. So He reminds us again: The. Gift. Is. Free. For. The. Taking. 

"The Lord your God has set the land before you."

It's there! Right there! Just over the ridge. Waiting. Waiting for you. 

"Go up and possess it."

Another reminder. You've taken two of the hardest steps: turned your back on the mountain and taken this journey as your own. No comparisons of how the other travelers are doing. Just you, right where you are. Now go.

Go.

Go! 

Three times this command. Like a coach on the sidelines, yelling, screaming, encouraging us onward. Just a little further! You can make it! Don't quit now! 

Stand firm. Possess it. Have confidence. 

"Do not fear or be discouraged."

God knows our weakness. He knows our limitations. He knows the fear that assaults us on all sides. But you've come so far. You've turned. You've taken. Now go. Go and possess. Go and possess! Don't be afraid. Don't be discouraged. The journey is long and hard. The obstacles can seem insurmountable. But remember: the land is already there, ready for the taking. The battle is already won. 

"Do not be terrified, or afraid of them. The Lord your God, who goes before you, He will fight for you...you saw how the Lord your God carried you as a man carries his son, in all the way that you went until you came to this place."

Deuteronomy 1:29-31

"Do not...fear...be discouraged...be terrified...be afraid." Four reminders this time. For fear is the strongest inhibitor of all. But notice: another imperative command. Do. Not. 

It's not worth it. It's pointless. It's fruitless. The Lord has already gone before you. He has already prepared the way. You simply have to walk it. 

And in case you're tempted to turn back to that mountain, even now that you've come so far? "The Lord your God carried you as a man carries his son." When you're too weak to walk under your own strength? He. Will. Carry. You. 

He has been with you, fighting, protecting, carrying, all the way up until this place. Whatever "this place" is for you. Defeat. Rock bottom. Afraid to go on. Afraid to go back. Afraid. 

Fellow traveler, take it from this wandering child: Turn. Take. Go. Possess. And do not be afraid.

Fifty Shades of...

My husband & I have been married for almost nine years. To me, that sounds like a drop in the bucket; to some, it sounds like an unbelievable accomplishment. More and more, as the big 1-0 looms on the horizon, I hear things like, You're not getting bored? Seven year itch is nothing compared to ten. How do you all stay so in love? Aren't you curious...? 

That last one gets me. Curious about what? What it's like to love someone else? Snuggle with someone else? Sleep with someone else? It always comes back to sex...I'm never asked if I'm curious what it's like to fight with someone else or pay bills with someone else. And isn't it the bond that's formed in the mundane, the way we react in the height of emotion that shows our true character and commitment? Anyone can put on something slinky and act out of raging hormones for an evening of passion. It's who we are when the sun is up, the make-up is smeared, and we desperately need to shave our legs that means more. 

My husband, Jon, was my first everything: boyfriend, kiss, and...well...you know. Without going into detail, because, frankly, it's none of the Internet's business and my family might read this - hi, Mom -, my husband & I have a wonderful relationship in all areas, including the bedroom. Perhaps it's naivete due to inexperience, but I have not been curious to know what it's like to be with someone else because making sure I'm everything my husband needs me to be is a full-time job. There are so many facets to a relationship that don't include the bedroom that fantasizing doesn't make it on my To-Do List. 

And perhaps it was for that reason alone that I was shocked this past Valentine's Day upon walking into the movie theater. We had completely forgotten it was opening weekend for the highly anticipated Fifty Shades of Grey. We arrived at 6:30 for our science-fiction action movie (because true love can be nerdy, let's just admit), and the ticket window was announcing that the 7 p.m. showing of Fifty Shades was sold out. This didn't really register with me until I walked into the theater. Roughly 200 people, aged 18-60, stood in a specially designated area waiting to be let in to the movie, a cardboard cutout of the movie's two main characters behind them with one word: Curious?

Now, perhaps you read the book; maybe you were in that line Saturday night or one like it - I'm not judging. Curiosity itself is not wrong. Acting on it, indulging it, fantasizing about it...well, that's another story. The older couples I saw standing in that line - maybe they're curious, tired, bored. But I can't believe watching Fifty Shades added any healthy spice to their relationship. 

And what did the young couples learn from that movie? Last I heard, feminists were still fighting for equality with men and being treated as people rather than objects. How does a movie whose entire premise is objectifying women help this case? How many people who argue with their pastor over the topic of "submission" in church had no problem with the theme of "submission" in the movie? What did our young men learn from Fifty Shades except that it's acceptable to treat women not as princesses to be respected, fought for, and protected but as objects to be conquered? What did our young women learn except that "love" is not patient, kind, or selfless but domineering, arrogant, and abusive? 

So, am I curious? Not at all. I already know that the world is fifty shades of messed-up, selfish, manipulative, hateful, uncaring, & violent. I want a relationship that defies the norm, transcends pettiness, and shows what focusing on fifty shades of love, kindness, patience, selflessness, honesty, and hope can do. 

The Love Chronicles ~ Psalm 145:20

"The Lord preserves all who love Him,

But all the wicked He will destroy." ~Psalm 145:20

So, yeah, at the end of a long year? Perseverance is a big thing. 

Finally. Year's end. After all the accomplishments, failures, disappointments, and achievements: we made it.

And at the end of it? The only reason we can persevere is because He preserves. 

Preserved us through that trial we thought would swallow us whole. 

Preserved us through that relationship we thought would destroy us. 

Preserved us through the long nights & never-ending days. 

Preserved us through the indecision, ingratitude, incompleteness. 

And how did He preserve us? Through love. Love for us. Out of our love for Him. So on this eve of a new year, what better gift can we give than love? 

Love for the co-worker who drives us up the wall.

Love for the family member who makes us ponder our own sanity. 

Love for the unlovable. 

Love for the forgotten. 

Love for this new year and all the wonders, sadness, and craziness it will bring. 

Love for Him. Love for each other. Only through love will we, can we persevere. 

"There are Far Better Things Ahead - Than Any We Leave Behind" ~Thoughts on Turning the Big 3-0.

Dreading turning thirty has been in the back of my mind roughly since I was fifteen. Fifteen seemed such a mile marker to me - the ability to drive a car, provided there was another adult with me. The world was my oyster - freedom was just a key turn away. I remember feeling so young & free & like I could conquer the world. Thirty seemed so very old.

 

I had such a very long list of things I wanted to accomplish before turning thirty. Thirty to me was the death knell of all things fun & freedom-related where I had to be frumpy & serious & adult-like all the time. I wish I'd kept that list, but I remember certain items: become a published author, go scuba diving in the Caribbean, be a hard-hitting, award-winning journalist, live somewhere like New York City so I could be like Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail." 

This morning, I woke up, and I was thirty. Like I do on every birthday, I waited to feel older, different. And I didn't. I never do. But I've been sitting on my back porch with a cup of coffee for the past hour and a half, and I've reached several realizations I'd like to share:

1.) Thank God being a teenager is over & done with. Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen...those were the be-all & end-all numbers. I defined myself by them. By what society told me I was supposed to be like by then. I thought I had it all figured out, and I had no idea how little I really knew. I teach teenagers now, all day every day, and I'm constantly reminded of myself. 

Seriously - nerd. 

2.) Thank goodness for the end of cliques and "cool crowds." In high school, I was as low on the totem pole of coolness as you could get. College was more of the same. There are the sports people, the hipster people, the nature people, the musicians, the beautiful people...and the nerds. But I was a special kind of nerd - possessing little confidence to participate in conversations for fear of looking stupid, so I was a fringe-nerd, feeling as if I belonged nowhere. I recently realized that, as an adult, I'm friends with people who would have either completely ignored or belittled my existence in high school or college, but it's OK now because instead of focusing on the differences, we focus on our friendship. I have nerd friends, cool friends, sports friends, beautiful friends, musician friends, & nature friends now. I, who spent most of my time alone making mixed music cassette tapes & reading. 

Yep - overalls, bangs...*sigh*

3.) Praise the Lord for lifelong girlfriends. Growing up, there were times I thought I'd never have a true friend, a best buddy, someone who would still be my friend when times got tough & tempers flared & my true inner-nerd emerged. But there have been two, & I don't know how I would have made it without them. We've faced some of the best & worst that life had to offer, but I think I can safely say we can make it through anything now. 

 

 

4.) When I was growing up, I would dream about my future husband. I worried, like the prince in "Ever After," that I would never find the one person in this world I was supposed to. I worried that I would miss him, that I would never meet him, that I would completely screw up this whole courtship/dating thing & scare off any possible mate. And I needn't have. I met him in the best way possible: we were friends. Just good friends, then best friends, then something more. All the years I spent worrying, & he came along just when God wanted him to.

5.) Changes are good things. I used to think changes in plans were the worst possible thing that could happen. It meant failure. It meant starting all over. Now I know that changes can bring about some of the best life experiences one can have. Changing my college major from journalism to teaching was terrifying and something I'd said I would never do. But it's been one of the best decisions I could have made. I love my job, love my students, love the experiences. Changing colleges at the last minute was terrifying, but through it, I met my future husband and my best friend. Changes aren't bad. Through them, some of God's greatest gifts can be found. 

6.) I have lived almost all my life feeling inferior - beauty-wise, talent-wise, intelligence-wise. If there is one huge benefit I see to turning thirty, it's that I don't care to feel inferior anymore, I'm going to do my best not to let it happen, & if people don't like me for who I am, well, they don't have to be around me anymore. I'm tired of comparing. I'm tired of living in fear. I'm tired of not having joy. Because when I'm busy comparing, I'm too busy to notice the blessings all around me, the little things, the laughter, all these memories that make up this crazy journey called life. I want to live with my eyes wide open. I want to soak it all in, drink it all up. 

So maybe I'll read this when I turn forty and think, "Man, what did I know then?" Probably. Oh, well. I'm a work in progress. And that's OK. 

The Love Chronicles ~ Psalm 119:165

Psalm 119:165

"Great peace have those who love Your law,

And nothing causes them to stumble." 

"Peace." 

What does that word mean to you? 

For me, it's a bit of a foreign word. When I say it, it feels strange on my tongue...because I say it so rarely and feel it even more rarely. 

"Peace." If I close my eyes and concentrate real hard, I conjure up images of "peace": a still, starry night, water lapping gently on the lake shore, a butterfly floating gently on the breeze among the flowers in the front yard, a lazy picnic lunch on a blanket in the middle of a field. "Peace."

But those moments seem so rare. So elusive. So hard to find and even harder to capture in memory to recall during the crazy, hectic, breakneck speed of everyday life. 

Why is peace so hard to find? 

Why can't I be like the lilies of the field, the birds of the air? 

Why is there always so much preying on my mind, my heart, my soul? 

If I was to re-word this verse and apply it to my everyday life, it would probably read something like, "Great distress, unrest, and worry have those who live life, and everything causes them to freak out." 

But maybe that's just it: we get so caught up in "living life" - the bills, the laundry, the dishes, the grocery shopping, the daily grind, the errands, the housework, the appearing at social functions, the hobbies - that we are forgetting the whole point of life in the first place. The reason we're here. What's meant to keep us going. "LOVE the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind" and "LOVE your neighbor as yourself." 

The whole point is love. The whole law can be summed up in one word: LOVE! 

And when I'm stressed and busy and pulled in fifty million different directions at once? Where is there room for love? Where is there room for peace? There's no room because I haven't prioritized it. I haven't put it at the top of my ever-growing To Do List. 

Yes, laundry is a necessity, but will the whole world implode if I never have completely empty laundry baskets downstairs? 

Yes, dishes are needed, but will I be arrested if there are always a few dishes drying in the rack or waiting to be washed on the counter? 

Yes, I need to keep my house so that it's not unsanitary to live in, but Better Homes & Gardens isn't coming to do a photo shoot anytime soon. 

I put so much stress on myself. So much unnecessary stress. I stress the things that don't really matter & that no one's going to care two cents about at the end of my life and forget to invest in the moments that matter. 

"Great peace have those who love Your law" - the Law of Loving. That's all it is. Not some unattainable list of do's and don'ts, but a law of loving as many people as I can as much as I can. 

And here's the promise: "Nothing causes them to stumble." 

Not the unfolded laundry. Not the unscrubbed shower. Not the imperfect flower bed. 

No guilt. No worry. No fear. 

Nothing can cause me to stumble when my eyes are fixed on the One guiding me Home.  

The Love Chronicles ~ Psalm 119:97

 

Psalm 119:97

"Oh, how I love Your law! It is my meditation all the day."

 

There are times when I feel like David wrote these Psalms just to make me feel puny.

 

This verse is one of those times.

 

I would consider myself a pretty law-abiding, rule-following citizen. The term "goody-two-shoes" has been used to describe me more than once. But even I don't go dancing about, singing praises to the rules.

 

That's not our nature. Our human nature does not desire or seek rules. No one is going to go around singing about manmade rules. But these aren't just any laws in this verse: these are GOD'S laws.

 

He doesn't make rules and boundaries to make our lives miserable - He gives them to protect us, usually from ourselves.

 

This isn't the Old Testament law that we're loving so much - this is the new law, the new covenant, the law of love and grace. We should meditate on it, think on it. All. Day. Long.

 

There's no room for pettiness or anger or bitterness when we're making a conscious effort to Think. On. Him. To live like Him. To love like Him.

 

What is the law of the Lord?

 

It is "PERFECT, converting the soul; the testimony of the Lord is SURE, making wise the simple; the statutes of the Lord are RIGHT, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the Lord is PURE, enlightening the eyes; the fear of the Lord is CLEAN, enduring forever; the judgments of the Lord are TRUE and RIGHTEOUS altogether" (Psalm 19:7-9).

 

That's what I should meditate on: perfection, surety, righteousness, purity, cleanliness, truth.

 

Will I ever attain it? Of course not.

 

Should that stop me from trying?

 

My goal for each day should be to convert souls - the unsaved & my own.

 

How many times do I make a decision based on selfishness, pride, vanity, laziness?

 

"Conversion" isn't just saving souls from Hell; it's converting myself - training myself - to look at things, people, situations through His eyes.

 

My goal for each day should be surety - being wise in my decisions and speech so I don't have to make amends for foolishness.

 

My goal for each day should be making the right choice - it brings rejoicing to His heart and my own.

 

My goal for each day should be purity - bringing light and clarity to people's eyes instead of the darkness of confusion, sarcasm, jealousy, and selfishness.

 

My goal for each day should be cleanliness - investing in things that will last forever, not the temporal, unclean things of this life, the things that one day I'll blink & they'll be gone.

 

My goal for each day should be truth & righteousness - not the lies and distractions Satan sends my way. The lies that keep me unfocused from life & the great things, the blessings, God has in store for me.

 

These are my laws.

This is my meditation.

 





If Winter Comes, Can Spring Be Far Behind?

 

I woke up this morning, & it was spring. Not sure how that happened. You'd think with all my belly-aching for months about the cold weather & gray skies that I would notice spring before it just suddenly...well...sprung upon me. Maybe there's a deeper meaning in the name of this season.

 

I can always tell when spring is here because the road behind our house disappears. On our little street, we're the house closest to the road, & during the winter months, when the tree limbs are bare of leaf and bird and bud, the road is quite visible.

It doesn't bother me too much, except when headlights are too bright.

 

But when spring is here, the road vanishes, & if I only look out my back door, I can make believe there's no one else for miles, that I'm tucked away safely in my cocoon, and that no one can touch me.

 

 

A lifelong introvert, I enjoy this feeling of safety, of anonymity, of being invisible. It's how I felt for so many years, even among friends & family: invisible. I tried to be an extrovert. Honest. But opening yourself up to people leaves room for getting hurt. Relationships aren't my safe cocoon. They're messy, unorganized, and spontaneous. Get hurt often enough, and it gets old quick. You know that, don't you? We've all been there: the crossroads of do I protect myself, or do I reach out?

 

 

How much rejection can one heart take?

 

 

How many tears can one set of eyes shed?

 

 

We set up a front of armor: indifference. You think that hurt me? Ha! My skin's thicker than that. But inside, we hurt, we bleed, we cry. The human spirit is fragile, a bud trying desperately to burst into bloom while all around it the frigid winds of winter's last gusts blow.

 

 

That happens to me every spring. I think it's warm for good, I plant flowers outside, and then one more frost sets in and kills everything. So it is with people; so it is with relationships. A person is fragile, a bud tentatively testing the surrounding atmosphere, testing if it's safe to come out, to make relationships, to burst into bloom.

There are gusts of frozen wind, icy blasts of cold shoulders, hurtful words, withheld love, ignored olive branches. A flower can only withstand so much before withering & dying.
 

Budding relationships need the warm sunlight of love to encourage them, help them grow, give them courage to spread their arms wide in the full bloom of loving and being loved in return. Yes, it's safer to wrap ourselves in our cocoon, to shut ourselves off from the world, to never allow ourselves to be hurt. But look at all that is missed: friendships, laughter, sorrow, growth.
 

That's what it all comes back to: growing. Not remaining stagnant in our faith but growing. Do you remember growing pains? Most of middle school seemed to be consumed with doctor's visits for me where I was convinced I was dying, but the doctor simply told me the same thing every time: "It's just growing pains." Just as our young bodies cannot grow without some uncomfortableness & unpleasantness, so relationships can't growth without a little pain, a lot of honesty, and a willing to get one's hands dirty.
 

The apostle Paul said it beautifully in Ephesians 4, "... that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ— from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love" (verses 14-16).
 

We are meant to work together, meant to grow together. No one is an island. But we must encourage one another. No one wants to reach out knowing the result will always be one of indifference.
 

To quote Simon & Garfunkel: "A rock feels no pain, and an island never cries." Perhaps that's so, but a rock is also too hard to hug, and an island can be lonely & deserted. We can harden ourselves, isolate ourselves, shut ourselves off from the world, but not without consequence to ourselves. We can turn our tentative bud of a soul into a desert.

I planted a flower last spring, and though I watered it daily, by the end of the summer, it looked completely dead. A mound of red fire ants had built a mountain practically on top of it, and it just looked like a dead stick poking out of my lawn. Chalking another casualty up to my black thumb of death, I went on with my day.
 

Just today, I walked outside and saw a tiny bloom opening where the dead plant had been. I'm not at all sure if there is some perfectly reasonable gardening explanation for this, or if this is a little miracle flower God sent my way today. But whatever the reason, it serves a wonderful reminder: even through the coldest winter (and this last was one of our coldest on record), even when all appearance of life is gone, a bud can be hiding beneath the surface, ready to pop into sight, burst into bloom. All hope can seem lost, all resources seemingly exhausted, but God can make a bud bloom anywhere.

It's not too late.
 

Don't be afraid.
 

Don't wrap up in your safe cocoon of isolation and fear. Your desert of loneliness.
 

Take a leap. Unfurl those petals, even in the coldest wind.
 

Bloom. Prosper. Grow.